Welcome! My name is Kian de la Cour, a Certified Somatic Sex Educator ("somatic" meaning "the body as perceived from within"), Certified Sexological Bodywork trainer and Wheel of Consent® workshop facilitator based in Dawlish, Devon, U.K.
I work with people who have a sense of something they want to learn or explore in the realms of sexuality, arousal, self-regulation, intimacy and embodiment.
Sessions have an educational focus supporting you to develop a greater capacity for interoception - that is, for feeling more and finding ways to notice, value and articulate felt sensations.
This often creates a greater sense of safety and ease in the body.
"I was feeling stuck in patterns of behaviour that had been running for years and that I felt powerless to change. It felt pretty scary to look at who I was sexually but I felt immediately safe in Kian’s grounded presence and his completely non-judgemental attitude put me at ease.
"Kian’s intuitive response to my needs and ability to provide clear mirrors in which I can see my behaviour more clearly have been instrumental in my continued forward movement. It has been, and continues to be, the greatest investment I have made in myself. I highly recommend him."
- L. J., Psychotherapist.
Reasons to see me:
A desire to feel more; wanting to come into your body and experience deep acceptance of your erotic, innocent and authentic self
Learning about consent, boundaries & how to touch yourself and other, especially working with Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent
Coming out of your head and into your body (embodiment)
Vaginismus or painful sex
Premature ejaculation - wanting more ejaculatory choice
Learning about the anatomy of arousal
Scar tissue remediation - Discovering sensation and creating new neural pathways after childbirth, gender reassignment or other surgery
Concern with an enlarged prostate
Professional non-sexual cuddling
Concern about pornography usage
Issues with orgasm: whether too soon, too late or not at all (pre-orgasmia)
I work with individuals and relationships of all sexual orientations, gender identities, characteristics and expressions.
"Kian is kind, respectful, attentive, trustworthy, and has great hands! I have had the good fortune to get on his table, and do so any time I have the chance. I highly recommend him.”
What happens in a Sexological Bodywork™ session?
I recognise that our sexuality can be a vulnerable place to explore and to share with another. The journey to actively investigating and investing in erotic education can take time and courage. I honour your interest in exploring this aspect of yourself.
In sessions, sexual attraction or dis-attraction is set aside in the service of learning. For many people, the only context for intimate touch and discussion has been within a relationship (partner engagement). This is understandable, and there are other contexts; such as education and curiosity.
I have worked with a number of psychotherapists and counsellors as students. They, as well as students who have undergone years of talk therapy, have confirmed my intuition and observation that hands-on work can literally and metaphorically touch places that talk therapy cannot. If your intention is to get out of your head and into your body, it makes sense to place felt, bodily sensation at the centre of your experience.
Will I be safe?
Being touched can be a vulnerable place. In order to engage your parasympathetic nervous system - that is, to relax and explore - it is vital that you feel safe and are safe. This is well articulated by Certified Sexological Bodyworker Pamela Madson in her article Sexual Ethics: A Woman's Guide to Keeping it Safe with a Hands on Touch Practitioner. While addressed to women, I believe most of the points relate to people of any gender identity.
I operate outside of attraction in the service of learning, with clear boundaries and a code of ethics (below).
Do you follow a code of ethics?
I am clothed, erotic touch is one way and gloves are used for intimate touch. The Ethical Codes of Practice include that a session can include less than was intended by the client, but cannot be expanded once begun. This is because once arousal has entered the picture it becomes more difficult to make rational decisions. If things occur to you that are of interest beyond the scope agreed at the start of the session, they can be noted for possible exploration in subsequent sessions.
Will I have to get naked?
The short answer is 'no'.
In sessions, the focus is on your experience. It is entirely possible to focus on and explore your internal experience while clothed, and all sessions begin there. Likewise, sessions can involve touch and do not have to. Depending on your reason for attending and your level of comfort, nudity may or may not not be desirable or appropriate. If there is a decision to make about this, it will always be yours to make.
"'The world breaks everyone, then some become strong in the broken places' (Ernest Hemingway).
“Kian is a kintsugi for people (Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver or platinum lacquer). Where I felt broken by life now I feel the repair is beautiful and precious in its own right. Kian has empowered me to move towards wholeness, integration and acceptance, such that my previous 'imperfections' are being accepted, embraced and even celebrated as a natural part of my humanness."
D.L, Autism support worker.
How many sessions do you recommend?
Some people find a short series most beneficial; others may choose regular sessions over months or even years particularly if negotiating embedded trauma responses. It depends on many factors including your learning objective(s), degree of interest, convenience and more.
Our habits are an accumulation of years of practice, whether the behaviours are repeated unconsciously, or consciously such as learning to play a musical instrument. To change habits (which is to resculpt your nervous system), regular practice over time is key. To enable this to take place it is recommended that you attend a series of regular sessions, for example weekly, fortnightly or monthly. I will also give you home practice so that you continue practising in your own environment.
Is it just about sex?
A great secret of Sexological Bodywork™ is that it is about greater presence and embodiment in every area of life. Sex is often an arena where issues show up starkly, such as how to know what we want, how to ask for what we want, how to be spontaneous and more. Mindful practice moves the nervous system into greater integration. This means your erotic practice increases your capacity for empathy with yourself, with others, with every aspect of your life.
How much do you charge?
In-person sessions are £125 per hour in Devon and £150 per hour in London. I recommend 2-3 hours for the first session and 90 minutes to 2 hours thereafter.
I require a deposit of £100 or the full amount by BACs in advance to confirm your booking.
If you decide after your first session that you would like regular sessions, you have the option to pay in advance for 5 sessions in which case the fifth is free of charge.
Skype consultations are £80 per hour, telephone & online discovery consultations are free up to 15 minutes.
For my location, please see the contact page.
Can I bring a chaperone?
You are welcome to bring a chaperone if you wish to. Likewise you are welcome to attend with a partner or lover.